We’ve all been there. You’re in a meeting or a conversation, and someone pulls out their phone. Suddenly, everyone else does the same. The energy in the room shifts. Participation drops. Genuine connection fades.
I call this dynamic “the silent killer of engagement.” And spoiler alert, it’s not actually the phone itself.
In this post, based on my video, we unpack what’s really killing engagement and how to counteract it as a leader, facilitator, or educator.
What’s Really Killing Engagement? (Hint: It’s Not Your Phone)
Phones may be a symptom, but they’re not the root cause.
“There is always something happening while something is happening.”
This quote introduces a powerful concept: there’s content (what’s being said), and there’s process (everything else going on under the surface).
Most of us focus solely on the content, the agenda, the slides, the speaker notes. But what truly drives (or kills) engagement is process. It’s:
- The energy in the room
- The unspoken discomfort or distraction
- The silence after a question
- The side conversations or mental check-outs
Ignoring this underlying process is what I refer to as the silent killer of engagement.
What Does This Look Like in Real Life?
Picture this:
You’re watching this video. On the surface, you’re listening to me talk. That’s the content.
But maybe you’re also distracted, leaning back on a couch, multitasking or maybe you’re focused, notebook open, eyes locked in. Either way, that’s all process.
And ignoring process is where facilitators often fail.
The Moment That Matters Most: When Nobody Responds
If you’ve ever asked a question to a group and heard crickets, you know the awkwardness.
I shared a powerful example from my late co-founder Will Wise, co-author of Ask Powerful Questions.
Will would notice the silence and say:
“Hmm, I don’t know how to interpret your silence. Would you help me?”
By naming what’s happening in the process (instead of bulldozing through the content), he created a space for authentic engagement.
What Happens When You Don’t Acknowledge the Process?
It erodes trust and connection. Fast.
Take the example of a company meeting where leadership announces unpopular news. Everyone nods, the meeting ends but the real conversations happen after the meeting, behind closed doors.
That “meeting after the meeting” is pure process. And that’s where decisions are made like: “Do I stay or start looking on LinkedIn?”
Leaders who stay only at the content level miss out on an opportunity to build real connection and often lose their team’s engagement entirely.
A Powerful Strategy: Drop Into Process
Here’s what real leadership sounds like:
“I don’t know how this is hitting you right now, but I’m guessing it’s frustrating. Let’s take 10 minutes in small groups to unpack this. When we come back, I want to hear what stood out.”
By dropping into the process and creating space to reflect, you:
- Honor people’s emotions
- Build trust
- Increase transparency
- Spark authentic engagement
What About Phones?
While not the core problem, phones are a big part of process.
Let me offer a simple but bold suggestion:
“Unless you’ve got an emergency, let’s stack our phones by the door for the next 60 minutes. Let’s be all in together.”
Just calling out the distraction and inviting people to be fully present shifts the dynamic immediately.
Want to Facilitate Engagement Like a Pro?
If you’re serious about getting better at leading meetings, trainings, or classes that people actually want to attend, you’ll love this kit.
👉 Check out The Effortless Engagement Kit here and download free printable cards, book excerpts, and more while you’re there.
