This one’s going to be a hard one.
This morning, while loading my kindergartner into the car for school, emotions went from zero to volcano in about 30 seconds. Really, really high. He ran to Mom, his safe place and shared everything with her, calmed down, and then came back to the car quiet as a mouse.
Eventually, he said something that absolutely cracked my chest open.
“Dada, I feel so much more safe with Mama.”
(…which also implied: I don’t feel safe with you.)
As a dad, my heart was on the floor.
And here’s the kicker: I had my entire afternoon blocked off to record a video on psychological safety. I’m keynoting Psych Safety Day with Amy Edmondson, the Amy Edmondson, from Harvard and Google’s Project Aristotle.
And yet here I was, supposedly a “psych safety expert,” totally blowing it in the family minivan.
I’m sharing this not as a polished success story but as an invitation to learn what I’m still learning.
When “The Contribution Method” Isn’t Enough
Originally, this video was supposed to be about what I call The Contribution Method, a way to de-risk a space by gradually increasing the level of risk people are invited to take.
For example:
- Asking people to, “Share your biggest struggle right now with three strangers,” is not a great move for psychological safety.
- Asking instead, “Write one thing on your mind on a sticky note and post it anonymously,” is far more psychologically safe.
These moments of small, controlled risk help people test the waters:
“Is this safe?”
“Okay… maybe I can share a little more.”
This method is at the heart of good icebreakers for work, conversation starters, and even team building activities for adults. It’s how you move from shallow participation to genuine connection, whether you’re in a meeting, a classroom, or yes… a minivan.
But here’s what my 5-year-old, Otto, taught me this morning:
You can design the perfect structure.
You can craft thoughtful prompts.
You can create all the right conditions.
But psychological safety is not ultimately built when you ask for contribution.
It’s built when you receive it.
The Moment That Clicked: Turning Toward vs. Turning Away
Otto had big feelings. Kindergarten feelings.
One minute he was excited for school, the next minute he absolutely was not.
My job in that moment wasn’t to “fix” it.
Or convince him.
Or rush him.
My job, if I wanted to create psychological safety was simply to see, hear, and hold him.
But what I actually did?
I turned away, took a deep breath, and tried to calm myself so I could get on with my day.
(Also ironic because I needed to go film a video on psychological safety… you see where this is going.)
Kate, on the other hand, turned fully toward him.
Nothing else existed.
She was present, grounded, and attentive.
Her response calmed him instantly.
Mine… didn’t.
I labeled it a failure at first.
But maybe it wasn’t failure, maybe it was learning.
The Real Prerequisite to Psychological Safety
If you want to create deep psychological safety….whether with kids, coworkers, students, or teams this comes first:
Decide that you are fully here, right now, ready to hold whatever someone shares with reverence, depth, and care.
Before the icebreaker.
Before the meeting.
Before the workshop.
Before the hard conversation.
People feel your presence.
Or your absence.
And they respond accordingly.
This is the part of psychological safety that the frameworks don’t teach.
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