How to Handle Small Talk as an Introvert and Create Conversations That Matter

May 19, 2021

Are you an introvert? In other words, does small talk drain you? Constantly having to come up with clever ways to answer the same brain-dozing questions: “What do you do?” “How’s it going?” “Enough rain for you?” 🥱

 

You are not alone, I promise. In this article, I’ll share my tips on transforming small talk into meaningful conversations, using powerful questions and curiosity. By the end, you’ll have two practical techniques to try in your next conversation.

 

The Realization: Small Talk is About the Process, Not the Content

During a recent keynote, I asked the audience three questions, and the results were enlightening. The questions I asked them inviting raised hands as a response were:

  1. How many of you like small talk?
  2. How many of you really like conversations that matter—as you define it?
  3. In the last 48 hours, how many of you have been in at least 5 conversations you would categorize as small talk? 

Not surprisingly, almost everyone disliked small talk but loved deep, engaging conversations. Yet, they had participated in multiple back-to-back small talk conversations over the past 48 hours. This led me to realize that for introverts, small talk isn’t about the content; it’s about the process. 🤯 If both parties are genuinely curious, even a mundane topic can lead to a meaningful conversation.

 

Curiosity is an Introvert’s Best Survival Asset in Conversations

In Susan Cain’s book Quiet, she references introverted leaders, such as Gandhi, Buddha, Rosa Parks, and Jesus – all of whom have made profound impacts on the world. As an introvert, your greatest tool for creating engaging conversations is your curiosity. However, there is a small barrier – the social risk associated with following your curiosity. To overcome this, genuinely ask yourself what you’re curious about, and then turn that into a question. There is a brief moment of social risk, but on the other side lies a meaningful conversation.

 

Best Practices: Notice, then Wonder, then Inquire

Here are three best practices to turn small talk into conversations that matter:

  1. Ask powerful questions: Conversations can be exponential. One powerful question opens up multiple doors, leading to more engaging topics. Start by asking one meaningful question and then notice, wonder, and inquire about the answers given. This will open up even more doors and deeper conversations. 
  2. Take social risks: Following your curiosity can involve some level of social risk, but pushing past this barrier can lead to meaningful conversations. When you’re genuinely curious about something, ask a question and see where the conversation goes. This approach can open doors to more in-depth discussions. 
  3. Invite others to ask questions: Adults often don’t ask many questions in conversations. To change this, encourage the other person to ask questions by subtly inviting their curiosity. For example, ask them, “What are you curious about right now?” This question activates their curiosity and can lead to more engaging discussions.

 

Making Connection and Engagement Easy

As an introvert, you have the power to transform small talk into meaningful conversations by leveraging your curiosity and asking powerful questions. My co-founder Will and I wrote the book Ask Powerful Questions: Create Conversations That Matter to help others navigate away from small talk and towards deeper connections. Download a free excerpt right here. Or find the book on Amazon, Audible, or Kindle too. By incorporating these techniques into your conversations, you’ll be better equipped to handle small talk as an introvert and create connections that matter. So go ahead, be curious, and turn those small talk conversations into meaningful, memorable experiences.