Many many years ago, Kate and I, my wife quit our jobs and took 3 months off to essentially be homeless traveling around the United States. We stayed with friends, friends of friends used national parks as sort of checkpoints throughout. And we are in Sequoia National Park walking along and I actually have this… There’s a picture of my wife. Well, this is actually a tree.
This is a picture of Kate and we’re walking along this unbelievable national park and we see a park ranger. He’s about 85 years old, big white beard and he’s got one of those flat-brimmed like smokey the bear classic park ranger hats. And as we’re walking up to him, Kate looks over to him and just says, “Hey, nice hat.” And he immediately takes off his hat and holds it out to Kate. Now, I’ll fill in the rest of the story in a moment. But in the next 45 minutes after this beginning of an interaction, we learned one of the most powerful lessons in how to create conversations that matter. And that is what this video is going to focus on.
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My partner Will Wise and I wrote a book called Ask Powerful Questions where the subtitle is How To Create Conversations That Matter. And I’m excited to dive in in this video with 4 particular tips and ideas that the minute this video is done will ensure that you have more meaningful impactful conversations. Let’s get into it.
Picking up the story where it left off, Frank, we soon found out had took off his hat and looked at Kate and said, “Want to try it on?” Like that was his response. Kate compliment his hat, immediately takes off his hat, offers it to Kate, and offers to try it on. Of course, she did. Of course, it looked amazing. And you can give… Just from that little moment, you can tell a little bit about who Frank is on the planet. Now, Frank was an educator for 40-plus years, had this unbelievable ability to just make you feel comfortable and warm and welcome and instantly a total stranger, in this case, literally in the middle of the woods, built rapport and created a conversation that really mattered. And we actually sat on a bench with him for 45 minutes and he shared with us, Frank’s one-million-dollar lesson. And that’s how he framed it. He said, “All of my students, no matter what grade, no matter what year I was teaching; I would always teach them the million-dollar lesson. Would you like to know it?” Like, “Yeah.” And Frank wrote down, I took a picture of this card. Since lost the card, but I’m glad I took a picture of it. I wrote down Frank’s million-dollar lesson. This is Frank’s handwriting from Sequoia National Park and you can see and unpack his ideas here real quick.
Just verbally, look at the person who’s talking. One person talks at a time. Don’t do anything but listen and allow time for reflection. Now, this is in the book Ask Powerful Questions. We unpack this pyramid of skills, tools, and mindsets to be able to create conversations that really matter. And one of those levels is listening. Without it, you don’t have a conversation. Without it, you have a bunch of people yelling at a wall, right? Listening is not only essential to a good conversation. And most of us, and if you’re watching this video, you’re probably familiar with the phrase active listening. I’m not a huge fan of active listening because it’s so behavioral.
I can sit forward. To be honest, I can look at the person who’s talking, I can nod my head. I can check all the boxes that meet the criteria for active listening. I would say that one of the most important ingredients to conversations that matter is careful listening. And in fact, even though Frank gave us this million-dollar lesson in this moment in the Sequoia National Forest, Kate and I have continued to learn this lesson of listening over and over and over again. And with my clients, as I’m working with some of the top universities and organizations on the planet, I’m continuing to re-learn how impactful listening is. If you’ve ever been in a meeting and someone’s repeating themselves over and over again, it’s because they don’t feel heard, right? And listening has the power to do that. In fact, I would argue that the way that we listen actually has the power to change what people say. Now fast forward. This was many, many years ago that we met Frank. Just a few nights ago, Kate and I, when we are able to make the time like to do a like a nightly reading before we go to bed or after dinner or something. And there was a line in a reading we did the other night that I thought was so profound. I needed to share with the world in this format. And it was “The truth is that careful listening feels so much like love that most of us can hardly tell the difference.” I’m not saying that every conversation needs to be loving, you’re probably not watching this video in the context of a romantic relationship.
Yet, if you want to know how to create conversations that matter at a very deep level and you may never use this word, love. But at a very deep level, if the other person feels seen, heard and like you want to seek understanding from them rather than seeking to be understood, careful listening communicates that louder than anything you will ever be able to say, louder than any perfect question you’re able to craft and send over. It makes a massive, massive difference. Now, do the questions we ask make a difference to the conversations that we have? Yeah, absolutely. In fact, at the time of recording this, we’re in the midst of a bunch of presidential debates in the united states. And it’s been driving me crazy listening to some of the moderators in the way that they frame questions. Now, not to make a comment on politics.
There’s… I think lots of reasons the debates have not been going super well. But in particular, what I’ve noticed is that all of the questions begin with why. Why are you better than you? They’re pitting each other against each other. One of the things that does invite better listening typically in yourself and in others is asking questions that begin with how or what and not why. Because when we ask questions that begin with why, we’re asking for justification. If you want to create conversations that matter, make 2 very simple adjustments. Edit the word that your questions begin with to how or what rather than why. Cut why questions out of your vocabulary. If your aim is to create conversations that matter, ask questions that begin with how or what and then be like Frank. I’ll hold these up one more time. Look at the person who’s talking. One person talks at a time. Don’t do anything but listen and allow time for reflection. I think what Frank has mapped out here is what the reading that Kate and I read the other night also hit on. And I think it is starting to point to some universal truth that I don’t think that i’ve even necessarily mastered or figured out. But it is that careful listening is far more impactful and meaningful than active listening.
I like all of my videos as much as possible to be a conversation. I’d love to hear from you. Let me know what you think in the comments. Let me know who you are going to listen to more deeply and have an awesome day. Happy listening.